How Do You Start in the Middle of the Story?
I've been wanting to start this blog for over a year now. While driving around my rambunctious three-year-old, I dreamed of the clever things I would say. Somehow, those words seem to escape me now. I guess I will begin with a small introduction....
I am a 23-year-old living a 33-year-old life. I have spent the last five years living life in fast forward and somehow, with what can only be described as the grace of God, it has all worked out.
I met my husband when I was just shy of eighteen. Actually, our first "official" date was the last day of my senior year. I was the Valedictorian. He was trouble. He had just returned from Iraq and had left behind quite the reputation before he joined the military. Not to mention he was my best friend's ex-boyfriend and I had just ended a four year relationship. Things were never suppose to work out. A few dates to celebrate my new found freedom, that was all he was ever going to be. I was leaving for college in the Fall and he was settling down in our small town. I was going to chase dreams and change the world, little did I know that he was the start of everything I dreamed of. In what can best be described in a cheesy country love song about a whirlwind summer romance, I fell in love. He was everything I wasn't and that made him perfect for me.
My parents hated him. I was the well-behaved baby of the family. I was going to cure cancer and feed every starving child in Africa. He was a road block. He was going to ruin my hopes and dreams and break my heart. Suddenly, I was staying out late and gone every night of the week. This boy had changed their little girl and they were not happy. In their defense, I had changed, or perhaps I was in the process of changing, but it had less to do with him then it did with just trying to figure out who was and who I wanted to be. I spent my days waitressing in the local resort town and my nights partying with my best friends, including my future husband. We did REALLY stupid stuff and we had a blast. While I'm not particularly proud of my behavior those days, it was an experience I needed. Then reality and August came and it was time for me leave. I packed up my childhood in rubbermaid containers and headed four hours away for school. It was time for our summer romance to end, but I held on. My final night home we sat on the dock and I cried. I wasn't ready to leave, this wasn't what I wanted anymore. He stared at his hands and sighed every now and then. Wait for me. Please just wait for me. That's all I asked. His body language wasn't convincing, but he kissed me goodnight and told me he loved me. It wasn't the profession of love and devotion I had hoped for, but at the time it was enough hope for me to cling to.
Two weeks into my college education I decided maybe things weren't meant to be. It was hard being apart and I didn't want to ruin a good thing. We were better off as friends, I decided. I spent that evening composing a mental letter of everything I would say. I wrote it in a text message (I know, so classy) but fell asleep before I hit send. I should also mention that my mom was still in the process of hating my every move. She didn't know who I was anymore. I thought about running away. I had always dreamed of Nashville and being a country singer (I know, I know...but I'll never let that go) and thought this might just be my time to take off. I packed my car and started to drive. Four hours later, I was sitting in his drive way instead. The heart wants what the heart wants. For the next three months I spent every week making excuses to come home for the weekend and by the end of the semester I had officially transferred to the local college back home. It was official, this was the real thing. I was making real life decisions that meant that we were in this for the long haul.
It was late April when I found out I was pregnant. My face still feels flush with shame as I type the words. I was raised in a strict, christian family. Babies do not come before marriage in strict, christian families. My mom didn't speak to me for two weeks. My Dad didn't look me in the eye until two months later, just before he walked me down the aisle. We married in June, just over one year of being together. The town talked, we were only getting married because I was pregnant. I had ruined my life. But we knew better, I was marrying my best friend and biggest advocate. You see, we were both stuck in the weird place between child and adulthood. Neither of us really knew who we were, but we knew who we were together. We walked down the isle as scared, crazy kids. We walked back down the isle, hand in hand, as adults. Suddenly, nothing in the past mattered anymore. My mom was my best friend again and my parents welcomed my husband into the family with open arms. (I should probably mention that now my husband even works with my Dad and possibly loves him more than me.)
We bought our own home that Summer and in December we welcomed the most precious little boy that I had ever seen. At 7 lbs 9.5 ozs, Nathan Lee was absolutely perfect. He was (and still is) the epitome of a momma's boy. I spent the weeks before his arrival worrying over what I would do with a baby. How would I know what he needed? Somehow, God made that work out too. From the moment they laid him in my arms I knew him better than I knew myself. Call it a mother's instinct, call it just being insane, but Nathan felt like an extension of myself.
Meanwhile, I never stopped attending college. I was determined to finish school on time (in the standard four years) with a valuable degree and with no tuition bills. I busted my butt to keep a 4.0 and secure every scholarship around. I would lay down with Nathan at night to put him to sleep and take a little nap, then I would get up and stay up all night doing school work. My husband worked out of town most weeks so Nathan and I developed quite a complicated routine of running between babysitters (and eventually daycare) so I could work and go to class. At bedtime, I would read him Accounting textbooks and sing him Reba songs. I can't imagine that is what the books on raising children would suggest, but that is what worked for us. I'm not going to say it was easy, because it wasn't. I spent many nights in tears and was on verge of a complete breakdown many times, but we survived.
In May of 2012, I graduated with a perfect 4.0 cumulative GPA. Not that it would matter to anyone else for the rest of my life, but it mattered to me. I have always been my toughest critic and I wanted to prove to myself (and perhaps all those nay-sayers) that I had not ruined my life. I secured a great job with a top, local CPA firm and immediately set to studying for the CPA exam. By December, I passed all four parts of the exam and privately thumbed my nose at all my "haters." The only thing standing between me and those official initials now is paperwork that I keep putting off. (But that is a story for another day...)
December also brought news that I was expecting again. This time, however, it was not a surprise. We tried for months before we finally saw those two pink lines. In August, we welcomed a beautiful baby girl. Born four weeks early and conceived four months later than planned, Nellie Grace is every bit of the little blessing we dreamed of. For ten glorious weeks, she never left my side. Unfortunately, those ten weeks were possibly the fastest of life and mid-October I had to squeeze back into my big girl panties and learn to walk in high heels again. I can currently be seen carrying around a ten ton bag of mom guilt Monday-Friday.
So basically, I went through this "short" introduction to give a quick glimpse of who I am. I am a woman is speaks two languages - english and sarcasm. I am woman who feels complete when I am with those I love and feels whole when I laugh out loud. I am woman who loves with my whole heart and is more sensitive than I would ever like to admit. I am woman who spends 99.9% of my life worrying, even though I shouldn't. I am obsessive compulsive and have an unhealthy addiction to writing lists. I am a woman who wants to leave a positive impact on every soul I meet. I am woman who is striving to be better than what I am. I am a sister who was blessed to be born with two best friends. My sisters were my first friends and they will be my last. I am a daughter with the best parents a girl could ask for. Their love has proven to be unconditional and their lives are examples of who I strive to be. I am a wife who is lucky enough to have found the man that I am willing to put up with his crap for the rest of forever and love 'til the day I die. I am a mother who is not nearly perfect but would gladly give my life for my children. I cannot put into words how much I love those two, but they truly complete me and give me purpose for each day. I am business woman who finds satisfaction in a days work but sometimes struggles to find a balance. While it is difficult to leave my children each day, I would be lying to say that I don't get a rush from a good day of work. I love what I do, I just wish I could do it a little less and be at home with my kids a little more. I am a child of God who is trying to find her way in this crazy world. I am a humble woman seeking to give God more of my life. I want to live a life that not only says "I was here" but also honors the Lord. My life runs a million miles per hour, but I find comfort in knowing that God is in control. At the end of every day, I am a woman who is truly blessed.
And starting today, I hope my children will learn this from watching me...
